Posts Tagged ‘friends’

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Reconnect the Dots

October 17th, 2009, posted in That's Life

Some people find it easy to walk away, I don’t. And I’ve spent the past five years wondering how my friend could walk away from a 15 year bond. Hopefully today I was to find out why, and find out what had happened to him in the past year that resulted in a leave of absence from his academic position.

But first breakfast with an old friend who lives in town. She had called me on Thanksgiving while we were on the highway but the call was dropped. I opted to not call her back thinking that in a few days I would wander in to her pharmacy and need some cough drops anyway… and showing up where one is not expected to be is usually rather entertaining. She had been suitably surprised ad we’d scheduled brekkie for Sunday. My Amazon-esque friend picked me up and we had a great chat over a quick breakfast before she had to breeze off on her next adventure for the day. She’s tall and thin, but she’s also short and sweet.

Out to the log house in Beaverly to visit the old lab family. Welcomed in like I had only been away an hour. Again, there was that old familiar loving feeling of being a part of something bigger…of being a part of the Iwamites again. I knew I missed it, but it didn’t occur to me how powerful that bond was. There was that family thing again.

Back to Mom’s for a few more computer lessons on the Mac. And then John called having finished his lunch with friends and calling in the dance card. I zipped down and picked him up and we stopped at Earls for a couple of dark beers (like old times…we’ll get there…. yes we will…).

A bit of chit chat and then down to the nitty gritty on what happened, false assumptions made, apologies on both sides for failing to communicate properly. His mistake was in assuming that after I’d dealt with things over a year or so he would hear from me. His mistake was in not realizing that silence sends a clear message of disinterest. He now knows that what he did caused further damage and made things (in his mind) irreparable.

We had a wonderful heart to heart and found out the challenges each faced in the ensuing years. I think what hit me the hardest was that he said his biggest regret in the past 5 years was that he failed to communicate with me and that this had, in his mind, destroyed any chance of reconnecting. He told me how much he missed me. And I replied the same. And he let me know he had endured some similar politics that I had, and that he had retreated from it in a similar manner and to protect his own sanity and health. He said that it had given him a lot of time to learn from what had happened and to reflect on his regrets.

There were tears and I think the healing has begun.

I drove him out to the airport and we hung out until the place was called for security…and hung out a bit more. We watched another former lab-mate dash in to the car rental return and fly over to the WestJet counter to check in. John stood and said it was time to go, but we promised each other to never let something like this happen again, and he promised that the next time he had an assumption, he would pick up the phone. As he went through security I was crying and stopped to say goodbye to Rob. He seemed disconcerted that I was crying and asked me when I had taken up smoking again…..”Ummmm, never smoked a day in my life”. I have a cold silly. I gave him a last hug, great to see you, have a safe flight…I started to walk away, he stopped and called back across the airport “I Love you too Paige”. That sort of stopped me in my tracks and I turned around and looked as he went through the security. I realized that perhaps he thought I was crying because he was leaving. I thought it a funny story to add to the already rich collection.

When I came home to Mom’s I shut the door and said “Not leaving this house again today!” Until Mom handed me Darbi’s leash and suggested I take her for a walk.

Back for dinner, and then on the Mac to get all the last bits ironed out. But the phone rang. Mom said it’s a Robert for you? It was Rob, back in Vancouver now and apparently stewing on the plane all the way home about those tears. He was worried that I wasn’t OK. Or that something was wrong with my Mom or Dad.

No-no, nothing like that, I told him that John and I had been working out some things and the tears were partially happy tears, but also sad tears for the years we lost. Rob and I chatted for a bit, and he was that same old wonderful caring person I remembered. I realized I missed him too, because he was another personally supportive person who didn’t judge you by normal criteria. And I thought it particularly sweet that he ferreted out my Mothers phone number in Prince George to find me. Not really all that difficult actually. I think my best memory of Rob is the time he called me a bitch in the lab, and then with a big smile on his face said that it was a compliment, he is the only person who ever managed to call me that and make me feel good about it, LOL!

Spent the rest of the evening playing a few games and getting my Mom familiarized with iPhoto and a few other things. So far so good.

So tomorrow I head home. hopefully a better trip that the one up. And hopefully back to a Coast where someone very dear to my heart has returned to my life and where hopefully, he will stay and we won’t have anymore assumption based miscommunications that lead to 5 year heartaches.

So you CAN go home. And you CAN reconnect the dots, regardless of the time, if the bond was strong and worthwhile, it can be rebuilt. And I believe this one has been.

I think I have my buddy back, and that makes me the happiest girl on the planet. There were no accusations, no finger pointing, no judgements. Just honest answers and heartfelt regrets at the loss of time.

But time will heal now that the questions are answered, things have finally been said.

So the week was a success. I managed to attend the funeral and visit friends and family.

I managed to get my Mom’s new computer up and running and I managed to convince her to buy high speed internet.

And I managed to solve an almost five year, very painful, mystery and put back together a friendship that has left the most astounding hole in my heart for the past few years.

It was a worthwhile trip. On so many levels.

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When the Past and the Present Collide

October 16th, 2009, posted in That's Life

Have you ever have one of those moments where you aren’t sure if you wish you could turn back time… but then you look around and think…maybe I already did…but how did those people get here then?

I’m in Prince George right now, and it was a surreal evening. For 15 years of my life I lived and breathed fish research at UBC. When it ended I had a job at another institution ad after two years everything went horribly wrong and I fell into a truly deep dark hole that in some ways I am still pulling myself out of. Today my former supervisor became the fourth president of the University of Northern British Columbia. Yesterday my best friend’s father was memorialized. On Facebook I said I was in PG with a cold. One person said “Have fun at George’s celebration” Another said “Give Marne a hug”. They probably wondered what the other meant. If you asked me why I was here, I would say…number one, for a friend, number two, for a family member, number three, for a bit of pomp and circumstance.

It strikes me as rather odd that the easier thing to face was the funeral. It had nothing to do with me, I was there to support someone I love, a friend and that supersedes pretty much anything else I can think of. Even if I wasn’t here for the pomp and circumstance, I probably would have found my way here to give my best friend a hug, even if that was all I could offer… actually, that pretty much was about all I could offer. What else do you offer when someone loses a parent. It’s not one of those things you ever hope someone else goes first on. I have been fighting a cold since the holiday weekend, one that keeps me awake coughing all night, and it was the most horrible drive I’ve had to do on my own. I could have come up a day later, but then I’d not have been here to give the family a hug. Was it that important? I think so. So I drove until I couldn’t and then I’d stop and close my eyes for ten minutes before heading on again.

So reason number two for being here is my Mother. It was her birthday last month (we won’t say what number because even though I know she would never read this…well…one never knows and I’d be exiled to the depths of a place I don’t believe in for a very long time if I mentioned a number), and I had a new computer for her, a brand new Mac Mini! Didn’t want to ship it up to her since she has some bad JuJu when it comes to all things electronic….and this proved to be no different… but that’s a story for another day.

The third and final reason, and ironically the catalyst for the visit… was the installation of the new UNBC President. Also known as the Big Kahuna in certain (small, i.e our former lab) circles. My former thesis supervisor. I’m rather proud of him, think it’s rather cool that he’s the new “my” in my old home town. This celebration also had nothing to do with me, but at the same time it did.

Because the hard part is that several year distance I have had from academic society… and the knowledge that if I came here, I would need to face some demons. Potentially some I really didn’t want to face.

I was almost late for the ceremony. Maybe it was defensive, but then again, just being with my Mom will usually make you late for something. On some levels I didn’t want to see…and I didn’t want to be seen I just wanted to back in a moment of George. It sounds strange, but if you had spent time with the man, you’d understand. And as I was there I saw a mop of hair a few rows ahead. I thought “I know that mop” and sure enough, there was my old mathematical guru Rob, the guy who would see me with my fists balled up in my hair trying to figure out how to convert some molar solution of saline solution into milli-molar and would solve it without the blink of an eye, or who would see me walking down the hall holding a cloudy bottle of liquid in my hand with a puzzled expression on my face and would utter such such nuggets as “autoclaved your phosphate buffer, eh?” and I would stare at him in utter shock and nod…..

I wondered who else had come to the installation and was truly terrified who I would have to say ” no, not a university professor…” to. Who would I have to explain my life of failure to. What former lab-mate now lauded academic would have to see what poor pathetic Paige had become.

And then George walked into the auditorium. How can one man inspire you. How can a simple lift of an eyebrow make you want to impress, make you cringe for fear of disappointing? Maybe it was 15 years of living with those eyebrows. But I have to admit, I don’t think many eyebrows could have looked that distinguished with eagle down stuck to them after a First Nations Ceremony ;)

At the end of the ceremony I was feeling better, only one head of hair that looked vaguely familiar, maybe no one else made the trek, maybe I was the only one since I am from here. As the procession receded from the room I turned and a familiar face was two rows behind me. “Mark!” Not a former lab-mate, but a former UBC “fishy-type”. Between us was a woman who cried out “PAIGE!” An old friend from high school, Colleen!

Somehow it made it easier to be caught first by a friend from home, someone who wouldn’t judge me by my accomplishments, or lack thereof. And vice-versa.

As we chatted in the hallway a tap on the shoulder, Rob. A hug, no judgements, just happiness at seeing each other. Someone I had expected to see. His family is also from the North. Then another tap, and a hug, Darren. Definitely someone I had not expected to see…and someone who had caught wind that I had slipped into our old dojo to say hello…a nudge…” You are welcome to come back, we’d love to have you again…”

Out to the foyer and there was the new President in his fancy new robes, hand shakes and congratulations, my turn, no handshakes, just a very long hug, In yet another way i felt I had come home.

Then the boys. The first to see me…Oh damn, which one are you….I need to see Sami as a reference…there he is…you’re Daniel! How did you get so suave…and Sami! How did you become taller than me!?!? He says to his little cousin…. “This is Paige, she used to look after me when I was smaller than you” I respond with “You just wouldn’t go away!”

Then the eldest son, again, a call from across the room and a hug, so good to see you, it’s been too long. It was like being wrapped in a warm familiar blanket, one that I knew I had missed, but I didn’t know how much. How is it that a family that had no ties to my home town could welcome me home like no one ever had before.

I skipped the reception to get my Mom’s compute back online and arrived just before dinner, there was one person I hadn’t yet seen who was supposed to be here, one person I have dreaded seeing for four years, and yet have missed so terribly. I didn’t see him, a slide show started, photos, a shot of the lab, George called out “Johnny” and I looked to the other side of the room…there he was, my old mentor, my friend, someone I hadn’t spoken with since that day on Vancouver Island, and I never knew why…. and with him was Ellen, someone I had earlier said I wished I could see again, but didn’t dream would be here…. I made my way over to them and all Ellen said was “The real Iwamites are here”

Ellen says to me.. “Shannon?”

“Years” I say.

“I warned you….”

I know, but I trust in people… you know that….

“She used you, didn’t she…?”

Yes…

I’ll never learn though, because I always trust in the inherent good of people…. like the fellow in the parking lot earlier today (when we were both late for the same event) who not only helped me rescue my credit card (using a pair of pliers) from a belligerent parking meter…but then ran back to his own vehicle for some coins and paid for my parking because I had no change purse with me…. (thank you yet again kind plier bearing, coin giving, person of the parking lot….).

And like a true batch of Iwamites, we few closed the party down at Winstons and settled in at the lounge.

I thought I’d be home early, I wasn’t. For all the memories and pain dredged up, I’m glad I came to Prince George.

I came for a friend, I came for family, I came for a colleague. I left realizing…they are all family. And family has its ups and downs. Enough said.

On the day I went away… goodbye…
Was all I had to say… now I…
I want to come again and stay… Oh my my…
Smile, and that will mean that I may

Cause I’ve seen blue skies, through the tears
In my eyes
And I realise.. I’m going home.

Everywhere it’s been the same… feeling…
Like I’m outside in the rain… wheeling…
Free, to try and find a game… dealing…
Cards for sorrow, cards for pain

Cause I’ve seen blue skies through the tears
In my eyes
And I realise.. I’m going home.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

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Where Everyone Knows Your Name?

March 11th, 2009, posted in That's Life

Funny how a TV show can make a phrase a part of your language. Cheers….the pub where everyone knows your name. It speaks to a place where you are a regular. Where the bartender and waitresses know your name, and know your drink. You can enter and the drink is already being poured. You sidle up with friends and talk about that things that matter, and the things that don’t. You change chairs and get the opportunity to have those conversations with people you don’t normally get to have on a day to day basis. That’s what getting together with friends at a pub is all about, for me anyway. No politics, no games, just great people and a lot of fun.

So, yesterday was Tuesday. I sent an email around to the group Monday night and just tried to say, without prejudice or guilt, that Kirk and I would be returning to our regular pub where for us, everything we do in the Squadron started. At the class, several people came up and said great! We will see you there. Sadly, a few said they wanted to come, but felt badly if they didn’t go to the other place. OK, just wait a minute here! No one should go somewhere because they feel they are being guilted into it! It’s supposed to be a social and fun affair. Not a political game! A couple walked out with me and actually said…”We’d like to come…but….” What? How old are you! What a mess this all is!

Sometimes change is good, sometimes change is bad. Changing locations for our after class get together was a disaster! End of story. When we left in December, we were about 25+ strong at Sailor Hagar’s every Tuesday night. That meant lots of great conversation, lots of chair hopping, chatting with people we didn’t normally get to chat with, and students were wowed by such a big, open, fun group. They got to join in something larger than all of us. It’s how we get our next generation of Proctors every year. Sadly, because we tried to switch to a new location, and some people decided that they didn’t like the new venue, for whatever reason…. and tried to force it to yet another location …that didn’t sit well with many for a variety of reasons …everything fell apart. And now, Kirk and I have no connection to any of the new students or the group as a whole (beyond our original crew) so he likely won’t be calling anyone from this class to join us next year… and i think he is still undecided as to whether he will even take on the roll of Chief Proctor since the whole purpose of the weekly outing for us…is going to the pub with the group…and if there is no group…then what’s the point?

I’m not sure why we are at an impasse. But there seems to be something almost like school yard politics going on and I’m tired of playing head games that rely on guilt. So… a simple decision to go back to the location that always seemed to work for everyone. Some people seem to think it is out of the way..which is a weird excuse since it is only four minutes (someone timed it last night) from the school. Four minutes is apparently too much of an inconvenience? Four minutes is an inconvenience to get together with friends? OK, eight minutes since there is that four minutes in the other direction to get home…but eight minutes out of your life is too difficult? OK….

I don’t really get it. There is an elephant in the closet but it just doesn’t seem to be coming out easily and I don’t know why. I’ve tried my best to address it on several occasions and I have finally given up. I don’t have time for childish antics and every week listening to people say “where are you going….?” has finally driven me over the edge. It’s frustrating and it’s ridiculous! Thus, my email. I will be at Hagar’s after class…period. And everyone else is welcome to come… or not. I won’t guilt anyone into anything, I won’t solicit others to join us. We are all adults, so making people feel guilty for choosing where to go for a drink serves only one end… it will ultimately drive people away from the entire thing. We already have several people who choose to go home and not go out for a drink at all since they feel that they are torn. And I find that the biggest tragedy altogether. So, I will just go to the place that it all seemed to work at and hope that others are willing to make the really small effort to bring everyone back together on neutral ground. But if others choose to be sheep herded by guilt…that’s their issue, no longer mine… it will make me sad, but life goes on and people drift apart or friendships that might have grown will wither and connections that might have been made on land and on the water will not be forged I suppose.

So, we went down to Hagar’s last night, and we grew from 4 last week to 7 this week. Actually 8, since one person went to the Legion…And THEN came to the Pub. Now that’s just silly! And it speaks volumes on how people are feeling! Torn!  The staff was elated…and yes, we got free beer again. Interestingly, one argument for the Legion was cheaper beer (less choice of course and appalling service, and no dinner menu, and no appetizer menu, but cheaper)… but if you weight it against the fact that the Pub actually gives us a couple of pitchers…it all comes out in the wash. So, there goes that argument along with inconvenience (four minutes people!).

Being back was awesome. Although we were 7, we were able to talk about all those things we usually do…boating adventures, upcoming travel, escapades at the border….conversation was wide ranging and lively. Sigh…it felt good!

We can all get together with our core friends any time and anywhere… but we can’t get a big group of people together to talk about the things we don’t normally discuss… to plan for the summer boating season… to talk about the classes and how they are working… that easily…unless we do it on Tuesday nights… at the pub…together. It just takes a teensy bit of effort… and a four minute drive…. but if people don’t want to have what we did, I suppose we will just start over with those that do and let the others go… because I’m tired of childish games and guilt trips and the like.

So…again… TO TUESDAYS AT SAILOR HAGAR’S PUB!! I hope we see everyone back there, slowly but surely.

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An old friend…

March 4th, 2009, posted in That's Life

It’s funny, we went to the same pub every Tuesday for 10 years. Then we changed it up. Things haven’t worked out and what used to be a great big social group with lots of great conversation with different people each week (everyone usually plays musical chairs) sort of fell apart. Well, not sort of, it has pretty much been obliterated. We tried going to a new pub, but that didn’t work, a few people didn’t like it and it wasn’t really set up for our big group. We tried another pub, three of us went and liked it, but again, not really set up for a larger group. So we tried another pub that we go to after Bridge meetings. A few more people came, but yet again, a bit too small and not set up well for larger groups.

Last night, four of us decided to go back to the old haunt, Sailor Hagar’s…where everything began for us in the Boating class 11 years ago. We walked in the door and the staff brightened and asked if we need to pull some tables together. We said, no, just the four of us. We ordered a Wit (Wheat Ale) and savoured the long lost taste of the beer we used to drink every week. As the first beer disappeared, the bar tender came over and gave us a free pitcher. We were surprised since the free pitchers used to be a perk for coming in with out larger group, but he was just happy to see us and was welcoming us back. He said they miss us there, Tuesdays aren’t the same anymore and they are very quiet without us.

We sat and talked for some time, about the group, about why we keep coming back year after year and volunteering. And we all came to the same conclusion, the reason we do it is because we like being a part of something larger. Yes, it’s nice to be out with another couple, but there was something magical about the large group that grew from our original twosome dinner and a beer at Sailor’s on Tuesdays after class. It’s fabulous to be able to change it up every week and chat with someone different, students and proctors and instructors coming and going, mingling and sharing stories from in the class and out on the water. Two or four people can get together and go for dinner and drinks any time, but to get a large group together and share experiences, that makes the volunteer efforts worthwhile and it’s only manageable when you have them all together at the outset. And that was also how we got new proctors…the students joined us and we were able to share experiences with them…and they wanted to be a part of this great big fun “family”. None of us feel any particular connection with this class because we haven’t had that social opportunity and after class everyone just sort of says goodbye and heads off to wherever. There is an awkwardness there that wasn’t there before. We feel like we are skirting an issue and trying not to hurt each others feelings. And it’s silly. And a lot of proctors are slipping away and not returning to the class regularly because they feel uncomfortable and some of the fun has dissolved. Yes, we can all get together  during the class, but we can’t really chat there…we are there to mark and then to assist the students…so then we all leave and don’t ever get to socialize.

We are drifting apart. If we drift too far…we will lose sight of each other and we won’t be able to find each other again.

Tuesday night social nights are the entire reason we keep coming back season after season. And so, we have pretty much decided that we need that back or it’s not worthwhile. So last night was a new beginning. We will be heading back to Sailor Hagar’s every Tuesday night. No more dancing around are you coming here or going there. No, we will be at Sailor’s and maybe we can start again. First there were two, then we were four….we will be a big fun chatty group again….back where we belong.  If the others want the same thing we do….the group dynamics we used to have….it seems to have been tied to the location and the atmosphere…so maybe they will decide to join us again. That’s what Tuesdays mean to me, that’s what Tuesdays meant to a lot of people. And that is what we will make Tuesdays again.

To Tuesdays at Sailor Hagars!!!

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Giant Rollercoasters….

January 29th, 2009, posted in Random Musings

Flowers: So, the florist tells me that for what I want, simple remember, it will end up being around $1000. Exit stage left! Next stop, the floral wholesale company. Manage to get an account set up, buy a few odds and ends, and head home to try my hand at boutonnieres and corsages. Turns out they are rather simple! So, for a grand total of $23 in flowers I whipped up a small daisy bouquet, a small rose bouquet, and a boutonniere that seemed a bit big so I added a sprig of baby’s breath a few leaves and a ribbon and turned it into a single rose corsage. I have decided I can do this myself. It may be a stupid decision that I seriously regret the night before a wedding….but it is what it is and I can’t spend $500 – $1000 on flowers!

Cake: That has taken another turn and I am back to square one. I have an appointment with the Pacific Institute of Culinary Arts on Tuesday and really hope that they can make me something within my budget and within the short time frame. If not….cheesecake from Save-On-Foods? I just don’t know.

Family: Aunt and Uncle and Cousin not coming.

Best Man – Job Position possibly vacant! Our Best Man has hit a few snags and will likely not be able to attend.

Father of the Bride: Currently has a sick girlfriend who may not travel therefore Father may also not travel.

SHIT!

Today is not going well…..

But the Kodo drummers last night were amazing…I just keep hanging onto that!

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